I was pretty harsh on myself yesterday. I labeled myself a loser, and mocked myself by calling myself the "mother of the year." And honestly, I was questioning my ability to handle ALL of this. What's ALL of this? The wait, the forgetfulness, the unending tears, the moodiness, the ache in my heart that only seems to get worse the more that time goes by, etc...etc...etc...
Well, last night as my head hit the pillow and my mind was shutting down so I could go to sleep, I heard a voice inside me say,
God does not call the qualified. He qualifies the called.
Oh Amen! It made sense to me then. I am weak, and yes this wait is HARD. I can only handle so much, but with Him by my side I will make it. I may be a ball of mush at the end, but He will help me through it. God didn't intend for me to be this rock solid, have it ALL together woman. No! I think he likes us crazy folks, because us crazy folks are ready to take that leap of faith. We are ready to enter this sea of red tape, and fall MADLY in love with this little person we.don't.even.know. We are ready to fly to the other side of the world and bring back this precious child of God, whom we are more than ready to bring home and love with all of our hearts and all of our souls.
It's time for me to see myself as God sees me: A woman who is crazy for her children and her Lord. I may not be qualified to be the mother of the year, and trust me I am far from being close. But God has placed another child in my heart, and He knew I would go CRAZY for him. So pardon me as I melt into that puddle of mush. I know God is right there with a spatula and a cup, ready to carry me right on through.
P.S. Did you know that stress hormones are released through tears. Yep! They are! My social worker told me so. ;)
P.S.S. Day 23 on the wait for LOA